People often complain that they don’t know what to do with their life, what road to take or where to put their energy. Believe me, I can relate. I went through the same thing before I became an unsuccessful blogger.

But that all changed, as such things do, when I came across a super-duper insightful internet meme one day. The loopy white italic letters, set against an airbrushed sunset, reminded me to Do What You Love, And You’ll Never Work A Day In Your Life.

At that very moment, I decided to stop smoking, quit my day job and pursue a career as a blogger.

I have since resumed smoking and begged pathetically for my job back, but that’s not the point.

The point is, just because things haven’t worked out for me, doesn’t mean I’m not qualified to advise on how they might work out for you.

So look here, if you’re confused and aimless, wondering if you should quit your job and pursue your passion (bad idea), or open a bakery because you’ve always had a thing for snickerdoodles (worse idea), or get an MBA and make bank while climbing the rungs of self-hatred (great idea), you’re in luck.

Here are five great jobs that nobody’s applying for that you should totally apply for.

1) Capitol Rioter

The nice thing about this job is that you get to see yourself on TV. The sucky thing is that you go to jail afterwards. Nevertheless, I still think it’s a decent job. Hear me out…

If you happen to belong to QAnon, or were dropped on your head repeatedly as a young child, this job requires no special recruitment pitch and you can skip ahead to #2 below.

But, you ask, what if I have all my chromosomes intact and I don’t take wardrobe cues from extras on the set of Full Metal Jacket –what then?

Well, as it happens, this job is even open to regular folk like you and me who don’t spell Constitootion, well, like that.

Simply identify yourself publicly as an Antifa member on some online forum, and watch the job offers pour in. Seriously, “head hunters” are everywhere!

Sure, you’ll be asked to dress up as a Green Beret Sasquatch, grow out your neck beard and say good bye to daytime sobriety, but hey, at least you get to work outdoors…until, of course, you get arrested.

Bottom line, whether you believe that our new President was rightfully elected, or that straightforward arithmetic is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the math-crazed left, masquerading as a degenerate criminal in the sullied corridors of our nation’s capitol is a job open to anyone with a little lawbreaking chutzpah.

To apply, inquire at QAnon headquarters (aka nearby county psych wards, freeway offramps, kindergartens and abandoned swamp huts).

2) Pope

Provided that your pesky sex drive has mercifully disappeared by now (men under 90 need not apply), this job might be just the thing to get you out of your mid-career funk.

For starters, kiss your car payment goodbye. That’s right, can you say, “company car”? Not only that, but the damn thing is bulletproof! This will come in handy once you slap your array of Pro-Choice/God Is Female bumper stickers on the fiberglass grille.

Next, let’s talk benefits. Or in your case, beneficence. For starters, how does dope-ass bling sound? I’m talking holy rings and consecrated wristwear with diamonds ‘n shit, ones that the other Cardinal kiss-asses gotta bow down to after Mass. Boss, right? I’m just saying, there’s benefits…or beneficence. You get both.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Salary, right? No? Ohhh, the other thing, that’s right. Yeah, ok, well look–yes, technically there are certain “qualifications”, sure. And I won’t deny that the the cardinals, bishops, rooks and horse thingy all have a leg up on you due to experience.

But what they don’t have is Alec Baldwin’s Glengarry Glenross speech memorized cold, now do they? And you do (or you will).

So you march your power suit-wearing ass right into Vatican’s HR dept. and when some cardinal bureaucrat hands you the Job Application For Pope Job, look him dead in the eye and tell him that sacramental wine is for closers only. (Then, of course, sit down and fill out the application.)

Oh, I almost forgot–salary. You might want to sit down for this one.

Ready? One. Trillion.

You heard me–trillion, with a ‘t’. One trillion Lira.

Just don’t ask about the exchange rate.

3) Life Coach

You tried accounting…that wasn’t it.

You tried working with kids…that wasn’t it.

You tried standing outside supermarkets with a clipboard, pretending to yourself and others that you actually care about something…that wasn’t it.

You even tried sugardaddy.com…that wasn’t…actually that was kinda cool…until Mother’s Day…so then that wasn’t it either.

You also tried brewing your own kombucha…nope, that wasn’t it.

Then finally–finally!–after all these years of failing miserably at identifying what you’re good at and what makes you happy, you discovered the secret: charge other people to let you fail at doing the same thing for them.

It’s easy. First, you get “certified”. This means spending a month in Colorado or Florida–really anywhere office space is inexpensive enough for these cheapskates to put up a shingle–to get trained brainwashed on things like “aligning with values”, “cognitive reframes”, and “resetting mindsets”.

Never mind what all of these actually mean–it’s immaterial. Because once you get that meaningless certificate and get out in the field, the only things standing between you and success is a clean conscience, any trace of personal ethics, and the nagging sense of integrity and decency.

Believe it or not, your signature-collecting supermarket experience will even prove useful here, as most of your time will be spent jotting down client’s answers to your questions:

1. Ever try accounting?
2. What about kids–you like working with kids?
3. What do you reeeally care about? Like, say you were to collect signatures outside a supermarket or something–what would it be for?
4. Any interest in startups?
5. What about Kombucha?

4) Bradley Cooper

Wait, hold on, you might rightfully protest, there’s already an actual Bradley Cooper, isn’t there? Well…yeah…kind of.

But is there really any of “us”? Or are “we”, according to Annata Buddhists, really just substance-less “no-selves” parading around with self-created identities that are mere illusions of what we actually are–morons?

My point is, if “Bradley Cooper”, that magnificent son of a bitch, can go around passing himself off as “Bradley Copper”, a magnificent son of a bitch, why can’t you?

First, the perks of the job:

1. You’re Bradley Cooper
2. You’re widely considered to be a magnificent son of a bitch
3. That’s it

OK, now the drawbacks:

Pretty sweet deal, right? I know! So now you might be asking yourself, hey asswipe, if this job is so awesome, why didn’t you apply for it? Fair question…and very tactfully posed, I might add.

Look, I’m married with children, you understand? So, along with Sunday football and spending my own money, being Bradley Cooper is also out of the question.  There, you bummed me out–happy now? Asshole.

But never mind “me”. This is about “you” being “you” being Bradley Cooper.

Get on it.

5) Self Help Guru

Feel like the world’s passed you by? Too old to go back to school? Too young to be apply for the Pope job? Don’t have any credentials beyond your expired CPR certification from when you were fired as a lifeguard at that convalescent home?

Well today’s you’re lucky day because this job requires–in fact encourages–unqualified, non-credentialed shitferbrains.

But still the question remains–how do you go from the jobless loser you are to the guy with a headpiece mic on stage and Whoomp There It Is! announcing your arrival?

That’s where I come in. As an aspiring SH guru myself, I can tell you that the secret is to have a genuine desire to help people but–and this is the important part–not actually help people at all.

Now this might seem obvious to those of you who have read SH books and continue to not be helped by them. But it’s actually more subtle/sinister than that. See, the trick is you want to help people a little bit, but only enough so they’ll come back and buy your workbook companion, affirmation calendar, table reader and weekend retreat which, if they use CODESCUM, is only $2,495!

Oh, and don’t forget to not sexually assault anyone during the 20-min. hot springs meditation portion of your weekend retreat.

Seriously, it’s a real drag on your guru-ness.