Ready…Set…Manifest!

With so much manifesting abundance, visualizing positivity, balancing chakras and ‘holding space’ going on, you’d think that wealth, optimism, mental well-being and available parking spaces would be at all-time highs.

But according to the numbers, the opposite seems to be true. Sure, accumulated wealth is on the rise, but only among those who need it least; pessimism in adult Americans is at an all-time high; one look at a Trader Joe’s parking lot confirms that no one is “holding space” for anybody; and if school shootings and suicide among young Americans are any indication, our chakras are about as balanced as a Tucker Carlson segment.

Well, in the spirit of the gift-giving holidays, let’s take a closer look at some of the inspirational self-help (SH) nonsense written by legit dumbshits, purchased by even bigger dumbshits who then give the book away as a last-minute, passive-aggressive Hanukkah gift to their Christian friends.

‘Tis the season!

Believe It and Achieve It!

Look no further than Rhonda Byrne, author of The Secret–her generous contribution to the ever-growing shitpile of SH dross–to see the ridiculousness of this belief run riot. To Byrne, frequency alignment is the key–The Secret, if you like– to avoiding things like getting your car repoed, being cheated on or, you know, getting wiped out in a fucken tsunami. Interviewed shortly after the Sri Lankan tsunami in 2004, Byrne, ever the tender-hearted humanist, actually blamed the victims who were swallowed up by tidal waves that day for–ready for this?–”being on the same frequency as the event.”

Had the victims only done visualization exercises on dodging oncoming 75-foot waves and ducking under airborne Subarus, Byrne seemed to imply, why, their lives could have been spared! By now, they’d be sitting next to Oprah touting the power of the mind to outwit volcanic eruptions and silence seismic tectonic shifts.

Why worry, when the benevolent, ever-nurturing and all-supplying hand of the universe is on-call for your (vibrationally aligned, no doubt) requests for high-priced handbags and sacks of cash?

According to this piece of runaway positive thinking, there is no need for vigilance or anxiety about a future out of step with your intended desire. If you’re resolute and unfaltering enough in your mental discipline of visualization, the universe has no choice but to bow obediently to your reality-defying will. Think about it–no I literally mean that, think about it–and it will appear! That’s the gist of this mainstay of the SH Crapipedia.

The Positivity Posse has taken the word ‘universe’, once meant to convey awe-inspiring mystery and deference, and turned it into a dutiful servant of our whims and desires, ready to do our bidding for us provided, of course, that we align with its “vibrational frequency”.

Try This Instead

Cultivate a practice of gratitude. Key word there is practice. Gratitude seldom comes naturally to Westerners accustomed to silky hemorrhoid creams and 15-minute pizza delivery. But it works. The universe owes you nothing; being grateful will not compel it to unlock its secret goody bag full of Ferraris and charming boyfriends, nor will it ensure that you don’t get pancreatic cancer and suffer for a year before taking the dirt nap. It will, however, make you more enjoyable to be around. And that’s a lot, isn’t it? There is undoubtedly something to be said about transcending present circumstance through toil, effort, self-belief and determination, yes, but it is an altogether different matter to believe that clippings on a vision board bend the arch of the cosmos.

Affirmations

We all know them.

“I Am Loveable!”

“Happiness is a choice!”

“Thoughts dictate your reality!”

“Ask and you shall receive!”

We can examine these one by one if you like, to uncover their patent absurdity, or we can rightfully lump them all into one gleaming turd bowl called Wholesale Bullshit.

Listen, it’s not that I’m against affirmations, positive self-talk and monitoring of inner dialogue. In fact, regular readers know that I make no secret of the fact I’ve been in therapy most of my life. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been instrumental in helping me to conquer disabling thoughts and make progress in my life.

But–and this is a big but (not the kind that ‘I like and I cannot lie’, the other kind)–positive self talk is different from positive affirmations.

With positive self-talk, you’re talking yourself into a more empowering state of mind by balancing out the negative chatter in your head. This, essentially, is mindfulness, or building awareness. By repeating grand affirmations, on the other hand, you’re attempting to erase doubt, eradicate fear and anxiety, affirm your inevitable greatness, deny the possibility of negative circumstance, supplant the power of Creation and, like He-Man, anoint yourself the Master of the Universe.

This is problematic for three reasons 1.) It inevitably backfires when life’s reality overthrows your vision-boarded fantasy, leaving you demoralized and dispirited 2.) Studies show it backfires hardest for the people who need it most–folks (like me) with pathologically low self-esteem and mental illness and 3.) New science shows that Contradictory Affirmations, which will be explained below, are more effective than the ostensibly “positive” ones.

Taken together, these three reasons demonstrate the disabling power of affirmations. In my book Self-Helpless, I talk about latitudes of acceptance–the idea that you are resistant to taking in and fully absorbing concepts about yourself that are not in keeping with how you currently view yourself. So, starting off each morning like Hannibal Lechter by staring intensely at your bathroom mirror covered in lipstick slogans and post-it affirmations–probably not a good idea. On the flip side, psychologists who study performance and personal growth report seeing higher levels of motivation and reduced incidence of depression in patients who use Contradictory Affirmations. So….

Try This Instead

Contradictory Affirmations. These are phrases you can use that, rather than deny present circumstance, acknowledge it while also making space–not to be confused with ‘holding space’–for future improvement.

Here are some examples of some positive (read: delusional) affirmations and their contradictory counterparts:

Positive Affirmation: I am beautiful and loveable, even the hair-sprouting boils on my neck–especially the hair-sprouting boils on my neck!
Contradictory Affirmation: I struggle with accepting my physical imperfections, but I know most people do and I will continue to try and embrace those imperfections in myself and others.

Feels a bit more sane, right? Let’s try another one…

Positive Affirmation: Yachts, hotties and Range Rovers (I mean, er, “abundance”) flow freely and effortlessly into my life.
Contradictory Affirmation: I am currently struggling financially, a lot of people are, but I can write down and execute on some action steps that will start to improve my money situation.

Positive Affirmation: I know that my perfect mate is on their way, along with the Hallmark-stamped, conflict-free relationship we will forever enjoy in New Zealand.
Contradictory Affirmation: I’m lonely today and yearn for a relationship. I know I can’t control when, but I’ll continue to work on myself, knowing someone, someday will appreciate me and I them.

Nobody Ever Got Anywhere By Thinking Negative

Weeeell, that’s not exactly true now, is it? Plenty of confirmed pessimists–Nietzche, Dostoyevsky, Einstein, Shakespeare, Van Gogh, Woody Allen, Hemingway, to name just a few–not only got somewhere, but brought the world along with them. Look them up on Wikipedia–all avowed cynics and complainers.

You know who else is on the list? Me. Yep, always been a fault-finder. Part of it is being a perfectionist (I agonize over every detail of my life, including this blog), part of it is having depression, part of it is chronic Judaism. All I know is when my wife cooks a near perfect dinner, I can’t help but focus on–and let her know about–the misplaced garnish on the perfectly seared duck.

HER (tentative): How is it?
ME: It’s great honey!
HER: Aaaand….
ME: Just a *teeny* bit less garnish next time.
HER: You’re a sick man.

Maybe. Ok, probably. Fine, definitely. But negative thinking, it turns out, has its advantages. Sure, we want our airline pilots to give us smooth landings and chirp their cheery welcome on the intercom, but we prefer also if they anticipate, and are trained in, mid-air disaster scenarios. Similarly, I would be much more comfortable with a defensive pessimist for a doctor–one who explores the (however remote) possibility that my daughter’s stomach ache might be bladder cancer than one who casually checks her throat and gives her a lollipop. In affairs of the heart as well, a certain measure of “negativity” is considered prudent, no? Consider a scenario where your date arrives, flowers in hand, and compliments you on your impeccable makeup and beautiful hair. Now, feeling charmed and flattered is one thing. But blithely ignoring the police blotter you discover later during your post-date Google stalking session is another.

Speaking as a father, I can tell you that negativity and defensive pessimism come in handy. To me, every man is a child molester until proven otherwise, and once proven otherwise he gets promoted from pedophile to untrustworthy creep. Should I just be more “positive” and give men the benefit of the doubt knowing that, statistically, the vast majority are nice, harmless, hard-working guys? Yeah, no.

Try This Instead:

Defensive Pessimism. It’s the new Unreasonable Optimism. (All the cool sane kids are doing it.) Rather than try to rinse your mind of all negative thoughts, try playing through all of the undesirable scenarios that making a decision may produce. Doing so, according to modern (read: actual) psychology, helps to alleviate the anxiety surrounding that decision more so than imagining nothing can go wrong.

Next week: Part II of the series.